You know I’m not writing much these days … sometime during the last year I seemed to lose my voice. My writing voice anyhow. I have tried to work out why, it’s not like I don’t want to write, I do, writing helps me sort things out in my head. But something in me changed in 2012. It was so subtle, so gentle that I didn’t even feel it happen. I am still unable to put my finger on what exactly has changed, but I am profoundly different in one area particularly.
I am less sure of myself. I feel less confident about sharing my thoughts with the world, perhaps it’s middle child syndrome, ‘second year’ reality. Coming into the seminary last year I was confident, I felt validated, being sent here felt like affirmation and so I was sure and confident within myself, even though I was not as confident about my place in this community.
During the last year that changed and I am now less sure of myself but more sure of my place in this community. Last year was about unlearning, about letting go, about allowing myself to be emptied. This year I don’t know what will happen, but I am empty enough I think to allow myself to be taught by this community, by my peers. I trust them, and the process.
This seminary is heaven for us teachers of the Word. It’s very real, extraordinarily diverse, messy, sensitive and delicate. We need to treat it with love and care and a huge dollop of respect. I am going to continue to write and to struggle and to share with you what happens here even though at present sharing my thoughts seems risky and scary. But I guess that’s not a bad thing. 2013 is about learning and learning means making mistakes. I am not great at letting people see my mistakes, knowing my frailties, but I am human and apparently that’s what humans do. They share and they allow themselves to be seen and heard even when it feels risky. So on this first day of a new term I commit myself to writing and sharing – even if it feels like I am speaking nonsense.
Bear with me … God is at work.