I had my first nightmare in a long time the other night. I was locked up inside my house and parked outside was my car, with a girl inside it. I couldn’t see her face and I kept looking out the windows to see what she was doing. She was just sitting in the car, waiting, holding a cell phone.
I woke up in a blind panic. Heart-racing… ‘someone’s outside’ …
By the morning I had worked out that the girl sitting in that car was me. (The cell phone clutched in one hand was a dead giveaway, and of course the fact that she was driving my car – doh!) But the initial question the dream asked of me was this: “what are you afraid of?”
First of all, as a way of explanation, my car and my journey are synonymous with each other, so it’s me taking me to the next stage of my life. This is my first guess.
Secondly, in some ways, I am my own worst enemy, because of the nonsense that I tell myself, the fears that I give power to.
The day after that dream, coincidently (God-incidentally) I went to see a friend, an intuitive who is able to listen for stress in the body. She listened to my body and my stress manifested in my neck and shoulders. When she asked me to describe it, the first word that came to mind was ‘yoke’. It felt constraining and started out as a thick purple band wound around my neck and shoulders constricting movement in my arms. As we prayed, so it lifted slightly to a white, sharp pain that ran across my shoulders and down my one arm. While she worked she asked me this question: ‘what is it that you are afraid of?’ Again, that question … And as I listened to God, the word that I heard over and over again was ‘Trust’.
I am at that point in my journey when my next step is all about trust. But there is a part of me, buried deep down (expressions of doubt are not always welcome, even if they are human) that is worried. Not about the usual stuff, like money (oh, ok, maybe a little about the material matters) but more about my ability to remain true to me and my ‘free spirit’ whilst being who Christ calls me to be within the … wait for the word… ‘confines’ of my chosen path.
In Matthew’s gospel we find these words:
‘Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.’
My faith teaches me that my spirit IS free, that no institution, no law, no person can imprison me or constrict me if I don’t let it. I was reminded that there are parts of me that can remain sacred and free and that it’s ok to have these fears, but that ultimately I belong to God. Through Jesus, I have been redeemed and set free as a spiritual being…
So, dream: you asked me, what are you afraid of? I am afraid of losing sight of Blissphil, I am afraid for the next few years of ‘institutional life’. But its ok.
As I listened to my fear, I let the small frightened person inside say her piece and then I opened my heart and my hands and blew that fear away … it’s of no use to me because the truth as I know it in my being is that I AM free, free to be who God created me to be.
That girl waiting outside in the car is not to be feared, she is to be befriended, she is guided by God, she is loved by God, she can trust God and go where he leads her, burden free, stress free, blissphilly free!
‘Nice’ she says, as she prays for that truth to settle in her being …